Introduction
Have
you ever searched for something interesting to say, wondered how to make new friends, or suffered from social
anxiety? You aren’t alone. There are
millions of other people in your shoes.[1] Heck, I used to have similar problems. These days I can talk to almost
anyone and handle everyday social situations with ease. However,
it’s been a long journey
fraught with
challenges before I reached my destination.
There’s no doubt about it – communication skills are vital to success.
Whether you want to improve your romantic relationships, build closer
bonds with your family, make your
friendships stronger, or boost your career, you absolutely must polish
your communication skills.
Communication should be natural – so why do we find it challenging?
All the progress
the huma21 days of effective communication race has enjoyed comes down to communication. Think about it. How would we have invented our first tools,
raised families, built societies, and formed governments if we hadn’t been able to communicate effectively? We need these
vital skills to form relationships, exchange ideas,
and enjoy spending
time with family
and friends.
Unfortunately, our life experiences often get in the way, and we
start to lose touch with our natural
abilities. For example, if you are bullied at school, you might come to believe that you are an
intrinsically unpopular person who will never
make friends. In this kind of situation, it makes sense that your social relationships will suffer.[2]
Personally, I was raised in a family of high achievers. As a result, I often felt as though any ideas I proposed were bound to be criticized. My mother says that I was a confident preschooler, but by the age of seven, I’d started to become shy.
Communication Skills Training:
A Practical Guide To Improving Your Social Intelligence, Presentation, Persuasion and Public Speaking
The Science
of Effective Communication: Improve Your Social
Skills
and
Small Talk, Develop
Charisma and Learn How to Talk to Anyone
Making the jump from reading to action
All the
self-development in the world remains useless until you are willing to put into practice everything you’ve
learned. It takes a lot of time to research the
right information, process it, and experiment with new techniques. At the start of my own journey,
I desperately hunted
for a book packed with brief but effective communication exercises based on sound psychological research. Alas, I couldn’t
find one.
Over a decade later, I have written the kind of book I wanted as a young man
– you are holding it in your hands. My aim is to help people develop their skills quickly without having to spend countless hours poring over hundreds of resources.
Day 1: Listen
Before you even
think about your responses to other people, you need to sharpen your listening skills. Have you ever had a conversation
with someone whose body is there,
but their mind is not? Frustrating, isn’t it?
Poor
communicators think that “listening” is merely the act of waiting for their turn to speak all while mentally
composing their response. This is a grave
mistake. Listening is so much more – it’s a way of providing someone else the chance to share their thoughts
and ideas, to build emotional intimacy, and to show
empathy.
Today, you’re
going to learn the basics of great listening, and then undertake an exercise that will allow you to put these tips into practice.
Listening
isn’t simply about giving another person the chance to vocalize what’s on their mind, although this is
valuable in its own right. Listening is also the first step towards personal change.
Psychotherapist Carl Rogers, one of the most influential
psychologists of the 20th
century, noted that when someone gives us the chance to talk about what has happened to us and how we feel about
it, we start to realize the best way to change
our thoughts and behaviors.[4]
Although taking
advice from someone else can be useful, we are most likely to change for the better if we work through
our problems out ourselves. Being able to talk freely to an
understanding listener is one of the most effective ways of achieving this.
If your
conversation partner rambles, or their thoughts don’t seem to make sense, hold your tongue and give them the
space they need. They might want to
talk to several other people first before implementing a plan, or they may need to process the issue in their own
time. Try not to get frustrated! Extend to others
the patience you would
like to receive
in return.
Top tips that will make you an outstanding listener
1. Use non-intrusive verbal and non-verbal signals to encourage them to keep talking: Nodding, and saying, “Uh huh” and “I see” are short, unobtrusive signals that encourage further disclosure. Silence is also okay – sometimes, someone needs a few moments to get their thoughts organized before continuing the conversation. Give them space.
2. Let them keep going until they run out of steam: When I learned to listen properly, I was amazed to discover
that a lot of people desperately want someone
to slow down and hear what they have to say. This is especially true if they feel angry, upset, or need to work through a problem.
One of the
most useful, fundamental – and difficult – listening skills of all is to keep quiet and let the other person hold the floor. If you are dealing
with an angry
or frustrated individual, they won’t be able to think clearly
until they have offloaded everything that’s on their mind.
3. Do not play the role of armchair
psychologist: To some extent, everyone is a psychologist. We all like to come up with our own theories
about why so- and-so is so angry all
the time, why our cousin always falls for men who treat her badly, etc.[5] Analyze away –
on your own time.
When someone
shares important information with you, do not speculate about their personal motivations, or why they behave in a
particular manner. At best, you’ll
come across as a bit too nosy. At worst, your conversation partner
will feel patronized and angry. At you.
4. Do not interrupt with unsolicited advice: Even if you’ve
been in the same situation or faced
the same problems as someone else, do not offer your ideas or solutions unless asked for them. There are few things
more annoying than unwanted advice or suggestions.
Resist the urge to tell them that you know exactly
what they are going through.
To put it bluntly, you don’t. Two people can have a similar experience, yet their personality types,
upbringing, and previous life events mean that they
will not experience the same emotions.
If your conversation partner asks for your input, then go ahead – but gauge their response. If they appear open to your feedback, continue. However, if they start frowning, crossing their arms, or give any indication that your advice isn’t helpful or welcome, stop and ask whether they want you to continue.
Remember, no
one is obliged to follow your recommendations. Put your ego to one side. Once you have contributed, it’s up to the other person to strategize
their next move. Furthermore, they may not be divulging the whole story, and they will need to take other
facts and considerations into account when drawing up a plan of action.
5. Re-phrase someone else’s words, but don’t parrot
them back: You may have heard that
repeating someone’s words back to them shows that you have been listening. This is true – to a
point. A fine line exists between reflecting the understanding and quoting
someone verbatim.
I’ll use an
example to illustrate the concept. Suppose that your friend said the following:
“I’ve been feeling quite lonely lately. It seems
like my family doesn’t care what I’m doing
or whether I’m even happy.”
Here are two
potential replies. Which do you think would help your friend feel truly heard,
and which would
make them feel really annoyed?
“So, you feel like they aren’t giving you much attention right now?”
Or
“You’ve been feeling lonely lately, and like your
family doesn’t care what you’re doing?”
The second
response shows that you heard the actual words, but it also sounds
downright weird! Your friend might wonder if she’s been talking to a parrot instead of a normal human being. I
prefer the first response since it reflects
an absorption of the meaning behind the words in addition to the words themselves.
6. Check your assumptions: We all tend to view the
world through the lens of our own
preferences and experiences. For example, if you are close to your parents and enjoy talking to your mother
on the phone every week, you are likely to be upset on someone
else’s behalf if they tell you that their own
mother is very ill.
But if your
conversation partner happens to have a distant relationship with their parents, they probably won’t expect
an overly sympathetic reaction. In fact, your sympathy
might make them feel uncomfortable.
What’s the
lesson here? Do not project your own feelings onto someone else. Let them tell you what a situation means
for them personally. Under no circumstances should you tell them how to feel. Accept everyone’s differences, and that
no one will react in exactly the same way under the same circumstances.
Put It Into Practice.
Your challenge
for today is to phone a friend or relative you haven’t seen or spoken to in a while, and then use the
conversation as an opportunity to practice your active listening skills.
You don’t
need to be on the phone for hours, just try a 20-minute catchup. Ask them what they’ve been doing lately
and strive to listen attentively. You might
be shocked to discover how often you slip into bad listening habits. Afterwards, reread this chapter and make
an honest assessment of how you did.
This exercise
also comes with a nice bonus. By phoning your friend or relative,
you can build and improve your relationship. Recall the last time someone called you up unexpectedly and
truly wanted to know how you were doing.
It felt good, didn’t it? You felt valued. The person you call is going to feel the same way. Maybe you could even
make it a habit to phone them on a regular basis.
Day 2: Count The Number Of Times You Interrupt Other People
If you had to
identify the most annoying communication habit ever, what would it be? Admittedly there are a lot of
contenders, but most of us agree that
being interrupted is among the most irritating. Today, you’re going to examine how often you interrupt other
people, and then work on giving your conversation partners
the time and space
they deserve.
Interrupting
people is easy to do. For example, if you participate in a heated discussion, you might want to jump right
in to exert your voice. If you’re passionate about an idea, your enthusiasm might bubble to the surface.
But that’s
where the challenge lies. Even if your ideas are excellent, your conversation partner will be too annoyed
to give them the attention they deserve
if you interrupt. By your interruption, you’re insinuating that your thoughts
and ideas are more important
than theirs. As you know from personal
experience, interruptions derail your train of thought.
Interruptions
also make someone feel disrespected.[6] If
someone values you and your ideas,
they will at least have the courtesy to let you finish speaking, right? You need to apply
the same principle
when actively listening to others.
Interrupting can completely kill your chances
of developing a good relationship with someone else, and that’s
not an exaggeration. If they feel as though
you are more interested in steamrolling over them with your personal point of view instead of getting to know
them, they will start to withdraw from you.
Here’s how to kick the interruption habit:
1. Set targets and give yourself
rewards: Set a realistic goal and choose a small reward as a suitable
incentive. For example,
you could promise
yourself that if you make it through
the day interrupting people fewer than ten times, you will pick up your
favorite magazine or candy bar on the way home.[7]
2. Stick up signs:
The simplest solutions can be the best! I keep a small
sticky note on my
computer monitor to remind me not to interrupt others. It features
a sketch of a closed mouth just beneath an ear. I glance at it when I’m
on the phone or webcam. It reminds me that if I strive to grow my relationships – and my business – I need to let other people speak.
3. Write down any points you want to make in advance: While you can’t take notes during an unplanned
conversation, you can take a list with you to a scheduled meeting. When you know that your key points are
strategically bulleted on a piece of paper, it’s easier to refrain
from interrupting.
In formal
meetings, you can also make notes of your thoughts when someone else is speaking.
Once they have finished, you can then refer to your notes and ask for
clarification.
4. Remember that your silence is just as influential as
your voice: No one likes a showoff or a
person who appears to love the sound of their own voice. On the other hand, everyone respects someone who lets other
people speak and exercises caution
when offering their own opinion. If the thought of keeping quiet terrifies you, consider that your interruption
habit might spring from a sense of insecurity.
Some chronic
interrupters feel the pressure to prove that they have thoughts of their own or even that they have
earned a place in the room. Does this sound
familiar? If so, your interruption habit might be more than just an annoying
quirk. It might be time to examine
any underlying feelings
of inferiority and address
them, either by yourself or with the assistance of a qualified therapist.
5. Practice biting your tongue: The phrase “bite
your tongue” can be taken literally
here. When you feel the urge to interrupt, sandwich your tongue between your teeth. The sensation will act
as a constant reminder not to butt in.
Cultural differences
The advice I’ve given in this chapter assumes that you, and those around you, have been raised in a culture that interprets interruptions as a sign of rudeness. Most Westerners would agree that it’s good manners to let someone else finish speaking before responding.
However, it’s
useful to remember that there are cultural differences in how people perceive interruptions. For instance, some cultures regard
interruptions and cross-talk
as normal.
To give two specific examples,
those of Italian
descent tend to see interruptions as an acceptable way of
showing interest in a topic. Meanwhile, people
raised within Japanese culture often believe that it is acceptable to interrupt
someone to ask for clarification.[8]
When you meet
someone, who seems especially quick to interrupt, consider the possibility that there is a culture gap. It isn’t appropriate to ask someone
to describe their family’s heritage, but just knowing that these
differences exist can help you remain calm and patient.
You can
bridge the gap by making an explicit request such as, “I’ve got something really important to say and
don’t want to forget anything, so if you have any questions,
could you please save them for the end?”
Put It Into Practice
Today’s exercise
is really, really simple – or at least, it’s simple in theory. Count how many times you interrupt other
people in all your conversations, and
then use the tips above to stop yourself. Ideally, you should try to talk with at least three people.
If you can do this while in a group, even better.
The first
time I tried this exercise, I was dismayed to discover that I struggled to even let people finish their
sentences. My intentions weren’t to be rude or
annoying, but my conversation partners
must have been thoroughly irritated.
Unless I make an effort to keep myself in check, I still catch myself interrupting
others a bit too often. It’s a tough habit to break, but your friends and family will thank you for it. Who
knows, you might learn something new if you master the art of keeping
your mouth shut.
Day 3: Become
An Inclusive Communicator
When it comes to politics and social issues,
we all have our own opinions. Yet one thing most of us can agree on is
that everyone, regardless of their background
or individual characteristics, deserves to be treated with respect. Today, you will learn about the importance of inclusive communication.
What is “inclusive
communication” anyway?
In a nutshell, a
good inclusive communicator takes care not to alienate or offend an entire group of people based on
their personal attributes. They do not make assumptions based on an individual’s characteristics. Inclusive communication acknowledges and values diversity.
Mastering this
skill is increasingly important in the 21st century. Thanks to globalization, people from all backgrounds
now work and socialize together. Inclusive communication builds harmonious relationships between individuals,
and it even boosts business performance. Research reflects a positive
correlation between gender
diversity, ethnic diversity, and profit in
organizations.[9]
Tips for inclusive
communication
1. Don’t emphasize a characteristic if it isn’t
necessary to do so: For example,
let’s suppose that you are telling your team that an employee from another department is scheduled to work
with them on a new project. This employee, a man called Sam, happens to be gay.
It would not
be appropriate to say, “Sam, the gay guy from Department X, will be joining us on Monday.” Sam’s
sexual orientation is not relevant to his work, so drawing attention to this characteristic is not necessary.
2. Don’t assume a person’s gender or sexual
orientation: Choose gender- neutral terms if possible.
For example, if your manager
is leaving the company
and you do not yet know the gender of their replacement, it is more appropriate to use “they” in reference to
the possible candidates instead of “he” or “she” until a permanent
replacement is selected.
Do not assume
that a person is heterosexual. It is better to use terms like “partner”
or “significant other”
instead of “boyfriend,” “wife,” and so on.
3. If you need to talk about someone’s disability, do
so in neutral terms: It’s true that
many people with disabilities do suffer as a result, but it is presumptuous to make statements such as
“Peter suffers from epilepsy” or “Mary is afflicted with schizophrenia.”
4. Focus on a person, not any disabilities they might
have: Do not define someone by their condition or illness. For example, it is better
to say, “Pat has depression” rather than “Pat is a depressive” or “Pat is depressed.”
5. Do not uphold stereotypes: Making
assumptions based on someone’s nationality,
ethnicity, or other characteristics is offensive because it shows a lack of respect
for someone’s individual talents and personality. This philosophy stays
true even of positive
stereotypes.
For example,
if you meet a Chinese accountant, it would be inappropriate to suggest
that Chinese people naturally make good accountants because “Asians are so
good at math.”
6. Show respect for race and ethnicity through proper
capitalization in written
communication: For instance, “Native
American”, “Black”, and “Torres
Strait Islanders”, should always be capitalized. If in doubt, look up the term in a dictionary
or use a reputable online
resource.
7. Be mindful of context: Bear in mind that in some instances, it is acceptable for members of a group to use
words that would be offensive if used
by outsiders. For example, some members of the LGBT+ community refer to
themselves as “queer.”
However, this word is usually considered offensive if used by a
heterosexual person, and not all
LGBT+ people accept it in the first place. If in doubt, any “loaded” terms that have historically been
used to insult or belittle others are best avoided.[10]
8. Avoid patronizing individuals or groups of people: If you have a disability, you might have heard someone describe you as “brave” or “inspiring” for carrying out normal day-to-day tasks such as cleaning your home, going to work, or exercising at the gym.
I have a
cousin who walks with a cane following a car accident several years ago. Several well-meaning people have praised
him for being “an inspiration”. Their intentions are good,
but my cousin just feels patronized. Do
not assume that just because someone has a disability that they want to be recognized for merely existing!
Is inclusive communication really necessary?
I respect the
fact that some people think inclusive communication is “too politically correct.” However, wherever
your personal views land, you can quickly
find yourself in trouble if you do not use inclusive communication. For instance, using sexist language in the
workplace could land you in hot water with HR, or earn you a reputation as someone who doesn’t keep up with modern
etiquette.
Why making offensive
jokes is harmful,
even if you really are “only joking”
Over the years,
I’ve met a few people who claim that it’s acceptable to make offensive jokes, or stereotype groups of
people, as long as you don’t really hold offensive views.
But here’s something to think about – people who do support negative stereotypes
and hold racist, sexist or other offensive views will feel justified whenever
they hear such “jokes.”
This means that racism, sexism and other forms of bigotry go unchallenged.
[11] Do not make jokes that rely on disparagement humor, and let others know that you don’t
find them funny.
Put It Into Practice
Exercise I
Do you express
assumptions or stereotypes (whether positive or negative) when talking about particular groups?
The next time you take part in a
Conversation that
includes a discussion about other people, consider whether your choice of words is respectful. Could you be a more inclusive communicator? If applicable, make a note of where
and how you could improve
next time around.
Exercise II
Switch on the
TV (or go on YouTube) and find a show that features a lot of dialogue.
Watch it for 15-20 minutes.
Are the people
taking part in the conversation upholding any negative
views or beliefs
about particular groups? Do you hear similar language in
your everyday interactions? If so, how could you challenge it?